Splinter's Revenge
by FirstLaugh-LastTears
Summary: What do treacle tart, Master Splinter, Captain Jack Sparrow, and a giant squid have to do with each other? I'm not even sure Harry knows. Maybe you can figure it out. CRACK FIC! Do not read if you want a plot line that makes sense!


**A/N: So, as we all know, when my aunt, the lovely TalaDentro, who betas all of my stories, even the Christmas one that I just wrote, get together, the bunnies go crazy. And I feel like writing a crack-fic since I haven't since Harry had a fight with the narrator. And that was like a year ago. SO! Here is my next crack-fic. **

**Beta'd by TalaDentro because if I don't mention her she will murder me with the rolls. **

**B/N: Any remaining errors in Jack's dialogue is for character-effect. **

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Captain Jack Sparrow looked at the school of wizardry with confusion, trying to figure out how he had gotten there. And what had become of his ship.

"Tell me, young lady, where're we?" He asked, swaggering around the lake they'd found themselves next to.

"HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU I'M A BOY?" Harry Potter shouted, his face a brilliant cherry red that made Jack idly think of Christmas…and sharks, sparks flying from his wand.

"You're wearrin' a dress, me boyo. You can underrstand my confusion."

"Says the man with braided hair and eye liner. And they're robes, thank you very much. We are at Hogwarts, school for wizards and witches….Magic people. You are here to take care of an issue magic can, for some reason, not fix." Harry replied.

"And what problem iss that, my rrobe-ed man?" Jack asked, licking his finger and sticking it in the air.

"What on earth are you doing?" Harry asked, cocking his head to the side.

"Checkin' wind direction. It's a habit, me being a pirate and all. I sspend a lot of time on more motion-able terrain." He said, swiveling his hips to illustrate the motion of the ocean. Harry just rolled his eyes at the man's lack of decorum in such a serious situation.

"The problem that we need you to address, _sir_," He said the word with disgust, "Is with our giant squid. He seems to have made an alliance with a rat."

"Oh no?" Jack failed to see the repercussions of a squid being mates with a rodent. While quite annoying whilst at sea, they weren't exactly evil.

"The rat in question is named Splinter. He is an American rat who was changed by some radioactive ooze and learned the ancient art of karate. He even taught four similarly afflicted turtles the art. They used it to defeat crime in New York City." Harry elaborated, pacing.

"I sstill don't see the prroblem, mate. This Splinter sounds like a good guy. Not one of questionable intentions." Jack said.

"You would know plenty about questionable intentions, wouldn't you, Mr. Sparrow?" The two male people turned to see a woman standing in the doorway of the school, a smile on her face.

"Ah, April, just in time. Our…friend isn't getting the issue at hand." Harry said.

"Actually, yourr ssexually confused friend isn't good at explainin'." Jack retorted, dusting off his jacket.

"Jack Sparrow-" Harry was interrupted by a sudden coughing from the pirate's direction, "-Captain Jack Sparrow, this is April. She worked closely with Splinter and his disciples before this whole mess got started."

"What exactly is _this_ mess?" Jack asked, nodding in April's general direction.

"Splinter went crazy. He is planning on stealing all of the treacle tart in Hogwarts. He enlisted the giant squid to get him past the magical barriers surrounding the school. We found out a few days ago. We need YOU to convince the squid to not go through with it. Or kill him. Whichever works for you. Splinter can't get his hands on that dessert." April explained.

"What is sso important about a tarrt?" He asked.

"It's my favorite. And if he eats it he will gain magical powers and destroy Japan. But mostly the first one." Harry replied.

"Then my answer is no. I'm leavin'." Jack said, turning away.

"Wait, what? Why?" Harry and April shouted, running after him.

"One, I don't do squids. I was eaten by the Kraken once. No' fun! Two, why would I be yourr first choice? That's just dumb. And three!" At this point, he stopped and turned around, his make-upped eyes glaring at the two people behind him. "Why don't you just not make treacle tart one day? So he can't steal it? Savvy?"

At this point, Jack disappeared, back to his ship.

Harry and April stood there in shock, staring at each other.

"What are we supposed to do now?" Harry asked.

"Aslan?" April suggested.

"Good idea. You get in touch with him. I'll try to call Harrison Ford."

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Meanwhile, on The Black Pearl…

"What did the wizard boy want, Cap'n?" Jack's fist mate, Gibbs, asked.

"Nothing much. But we may want to avoid Asia for awhile, mate."

**The End**


End file.
